Hands-Off Approach to Parenting
This news article is about an 18-year-old getting hired as a Google engineer before college. His father shares the parenting techniques from catching his son's interest, providing resources instead of roadmaps, and helping to set up to be lucky to become a healthy striver. Let's dive into his advice.
Story of Stanley Zhong
Stanley played competitive chess at age 4. He was good. Then he decided to retire at one point. Then he started to write codes when he was 10. His father, who is a Google Engineer himself, probably was a big influence in picking up such a hobby.
He launched a startup called RabbitSign, which drew a Google recruiter's attention when he was 13. He was too young for any type of role then. Nearing his high school graduation, Stanley applied to 18 colleges but got rejected or waitlisted from 16 of them. He had an Amazon Web Service recruiter reaching out to him. Then he recalled the opportunity with Google.
Stanley Zhong decided to work for Google for a year, and then attend the University of Texas after.
Father's Parenting Technique
Stanley's father suggests the Hands-Off Approach to parenting. It doesn't mean to not care anything about them. It's opening opportunities to fly in and out. Letting the child choose where his passion lies.
Provide resources, not roadmaps
Let your child pick what they want to do. Provide help. Don't tell him what to do. Mr. Zhong quotes:
"In terms of how far he wants to go, how fast he wants to move on the path, or whether he wants to change his course and go to another path, that's completely up to him."
It's so easy to fall into the trap of directing our children under the name of guidance. The key word here is 'support.' The urge to tell him what to do comes from our arrogant thought "I know better than you." Kids live in a different world than what we have been through. What you know might not necessarily be true in their time.
Help to Set the Stage
Mr. Zhong calls it "setting your child up to be lucky." He defines luck as being able to catch the chance once it pops up. You have to be prepared at all times to grab the opportunity when it presents itself.
One value we need to teach our kids is to start before the deadline is set. There is a portion of effort that gets boosted when the end goal is set, and there is another portion. We usually refer to it as the basics. If one has strong basics, be it health, communication, collaboration, etc., he is set to a great start.
Only those who are already prepared will be able to see the opportunity and jump at them.
Healthy Strivers
The article also quotes research from toxic parenting expert Jennifer Breheny Wallace. It points out that Healthy Strivers are more likely to succeed. These are people who know they matter as human beings, and what they do isn't going to determine their worthiness.
Stanley's father raised his son to explore different things and did not judge the outcome of his decisions. This is an environment of healthy strivers to grow. They are not discouraged by the forced directions from their parents. They know they are trusted and supported.
Parents Feeling Like a Failure
We are so used to parents telling their children what to do. That's how we were raised. We are accustomed to it without acknowledging it. "Helicopter Parenting" is the exact opposite of where we want to be.
Lay down your urge and think deeply. Is what you are about to tell your child really for him or for yourself? Are you doing it to prevent yourself from failing as a parent?
You know you are not coding like an engineer. You are a parent. Your child's future job is not YOUR output. It's what your CHILD has decided to become. So, put down the pressure. You are not giving up. Instead, you will be the guardian angel in the stealth mode.
Parents need to be there for their children. Watch closely. See if they are struggling with bringing up their trouble to you. If they are hesitant to confess to you they want to give up piano, Taekwondo, water polo, art, or anything you spent too much on not to long ago.
We want to build a relationship with our children, in which we can share those feelings and thoughts even if either one of you is sorry.
Your child doesn't have to be a Google Engineer. Let them decide and let you know, so you can help!